


If Tomorrow the World Crumbles

by Engie_Ivy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Established Relationship, Fights, First War with Voldemort, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sad Sirius Black, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:35:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26620762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Engie_Ivy/pseuds/Engie_Ivy
Summary: Then, after two weeks, Remus came home. It really was as simple as that: opening the door and walking into the kitchen. He looked terrible. Pale, tired, thin, cuts on his hands and face. Sirius had been sitting on the couch and he watched Remus come in, feeling a whole range of emotions coursing through his body. He focussed on the anger and clung to it like a lifeline, as that was the emotion he knew, the emotion he grew up with, the emotion he knew how to express. The other emotions were too unfamiliar, too scary, too revealing.Keeping your relationship healthy can be a challenge. In the middle of a war, dealing with secrets, false accusations and unjust suspicions, it’s even more of a challenge. But a fight can lead to an apology, an apology can lead to forgiveness, and forgiveness just might lead to happiness. And as it turns out, not all secrets are bad.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 12
Kudos: 111





	If Tomorrow the World Crumbles

**Author's Note:**

> Birthday-themed fic for my birthday!

Sirius is freaking out. Outwardly, nothing seems amiss. He’s sitting at the kitchen table in the flat he shares with Remus, reading the Daily Prophet. Inwardly, however, he’s on the verge of panic. He has been on edge all morning, his hands are fidgeting, and he has been staring at the same sentence for the last hour.

You see, Sirius doesn’t know where Remus is. Normally this wouldn’t be such a problem. They’re not attached at the hip. They’re in a healthy relationship and respect each other’s independence. But Remus is acting secretive, which still wouldn’t have been such a problem, if they didn’t have loaded conversation about that very thing just a few weeks ago. The war had been taking its toll on them and miscommunication, false accusations and unjust suspicions were threatening to break their relationship.

It started when James asked Sirius to come over for a meeting with him, Lily and Dumbledore. The threat to Lily and James was getting more serious and they needed to talk about an option that involved Sirius’s help. James asked Sirius not to tell anyone. Sirius didn’t even consider this to include Remus, and he thinks James didn’t either. What Sirius knows, Remus knows, that’s just how it is. The only reason Sirius didn’t tell Remus right away, was because Remus just happened to not be home at the time.

During the meeting, Dumbledore informed them about something called the Fidelius charm, and how it was James and Lily’s best chance of survival if the situation were to get worse. They talked about the technicalities of the charm, the best practice of how to implement it, and the possibility of Sirius being the Secret Keeper. By the end of that first meeting, it was Dumbledore who asked Sirius not to tell anyone. Once again, Sirius had agreed, without considering it to include Remus as well, but unlike James had done, Dumbledore pressed the issue further. There was a traitor amongst the members of the Order of the Phoenix, and they were completely in the dark about who it could be, so the general rule had to be to not tell anyone, no exceptions. Dumbledore assured Sirius this did not mean they thought Remus was the traitor, it simply meant they didn’t have concrete proof that he wasn’t the traitor. None of them could imagine Remus ever betraying them, but then again, that could be said for all their friends, and one of them was undeniably betraying them, so that line of reasoning simply couldn’t be applied anymore.

So Sirius had to go behind Remus’s back. Sirius went to meetings with Dumbledore, James and Lily without informing Remus. They discussed the information Dumbledore was getting from his non-disclosed spies, and tried to monitor how urgent the threat against James and Lily was, and they discussed the risks that being the Secret Keeper would involve for Sirius (“Are you sure you want to do this, Pads?” “Yes, Prongs, I’m sure.” “Don’t you need more time to decide if you want to put your life at risk just to help me?” “Prongs, I’ve known I’d give my life to protect you since I was twelve. I’ve had plenty of time.”). Every time Sirius got back, he ignored Remus’s questions. He could barely look Remus in the eye, because every time he did, he could see the hurt and confusion. His solution was to avoid Remus as much as he could after these meetings.

If things weren’t already strained, they got really bad when Remus started acting strange. He was going on Order missions much more often. Normally, Sirius knew exactly what type of mission Remus was on. Having someone to talk about it helped them stay sane, and sharing information and gaining more knowledge on the enemy could be beneficial. Now Remus suddenly had all these Order missions Sirius didn’t know anything about, and Remus wouldn’t tell him anything about. It was unsettling. Remus never flat out refused to answer his questions, which Sirius would’ve preferred, as then they could’ve had an apparently much-needed argument, but Remus gave these infuriating meaningless answers. “It went as you would expect.” “You know how these things go.” “It’s no use dwelling on it.” “We did what we had to do.” Remus started to stay away for longer periods of time, and the longer he stayed away, the snippier Sirius got with him. They couldn’t talk about the war or the Order anymore without one of them storming off, but the war consumed every aspect of their lives, so eventually they didn’t seem to be able to talk about anything anymore.

Things went from really bad to even worse when suspicion started creeping in. Sirius tried to think rational, to not let himself be blinded by his feelings for Remus, which were, despite everything, still so strong, but to look at the facts. There _was_ a traitor in their midst and Remus _was_ evidently keeping things from him. Remus caught him looking through some of his papers one night (some cut-out articles on Lycanthropy, some maps of England and Scotland, a letter from his dad; nothing incriminating). Sirius had expected Remus to snap, like he was constantly snapping at Remus these days, but Remus had just stood there and looked at him with so much hurt in his eyes that it made Sirius want to disappear.

The following morning, Remus was gone. Sirius found a note with just four words scribbled on it:

_On an Order mission_

Remus stayed away for two weeks. All that time, Sirius didn’t hear from him, not a single word, not any sign of life. Every time the thought crossed Sirius’s mind that he didn’t even know if Remus was still alive, it was immediately followed by the thought _he didn’t even say goodbye_.

Then, after two weeks, Remus came home. It really was as simple as that: opening the door and walking into the kitchen. He looked terrible. Pale, tired, thin, cuts on his hands and face. Sirius had been sitting on the couch and he watched Remus come in, feeling a whole range of emotions coursing through his body. He focussed on the anger and clung to it like a lifeline, as that was the emotion he knew, the emotion he grew up with, the emotion he knew how to express. The other emotions were too unfamiliar, too scary, too revealing.

“Where were you?” Sirius got up from the couch and stood behind Remus, who was standing at the kitchen counter stirring a Strenthening Potion, back turned to Sirius.

“Order mission,” Remus replied, without turning around to face Sirius. “Left a note.”

Sirius folded his arms over his chest. “Is that all you’re going to say?”

“No,” Remus replied in a flat tone. “I’m also going to say that I'm tired and I’m going to bed.”

“Fuck you, Remus,” Sirius hissed. “You think a four-word note justifies two weeks of absence?”

Remus finally turned around and glared at Sirius. “I don’t have to justify anything to you.”

“So you can just do whatever the fuck you like then?” Sirius asked. “Disappearing whenever to wherever doing whatever, and leaving me without even an inkling of when you’ll be back?”

“Don’t you dare, Sirius!” Remus shouted, pointing the spoon he was holding at Sirius’s chest, sending a few droplets flying. “Don’t you fucking dare. Don’t put this all on me when you’re the one who bloody started it. Leaving to secret meetings, not telling me what for or why I wasn’t allowed to join, acting distant and evasive. And I’m supposed to sit you down with a cup of tea and trust you with every detail of my missions when I get back?”

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “So that’s what this is about then? You don’t trust me. Do you think I’m the traitor, Remus?”

“No, you stupid idiot!” Remus smashed his cup down in the sink. “I don’t think you’re the traitor, I think that you think I’m the traitor, and that’s even fucking worse!”

“Well, what am I supposed to bloody think, then?” Sirius shouted back. “You’re obviously keeping things from me! How is this sketchy behaviour going to make anything better? Why couldn’t you just come talk to me, so you could have proven that you’re not-”

“Because I shouldn’t have to proof anything to you!” A hint of pain was seeping through in Remus’s frustration. “All my life I’ve had to proof myself to everyone, and all my life I’ll have to continue proving myself, simply because of what I am, but not to you. Never to you. You’re supposed to believe in me! You’re the one person who’s supposed to be on my side.”

“And I was,” Sirius said, trying to make Remus understand. “But you know how I am, how I overthink, how I get in my head. And then you leave me alone with my own thoughts without so much as a word?”

“You were already shutting me out,” Remus replied. “Leaving me alone with my anxieties and insecurities.”

“I was gone for a couple of hours, at most,” Sirius defended himself. “You were gone for two weeks, two weeks of me having no idea where you were. Two weeks, Remus! How could you even think that was okay? How could you do that to me? I thought something had happened to you! I thought I was never going to see you again. I thought...”

It was quite a remarkable thing. Sirius looked in Remus’s eyes and suddenly, in a single moment, all his anger seemed to dissipate. Because that was just the thing now, wasn’t it? He thought he was never going to look in those eyes again. He hadn’t been angry, mistrusting or betrayed, he had just been fucking scared. Scared that he was ruining the best thing in his life and didn’t know how to stop it, scared that something had happened to Remus, scared that he had lost him.

All the emotions that used to be hidden underneath thick layers of anger, were suddenly washing over him. Threatening to overwhelm him. Fear, sadness, hurt, guilt... It was too much all at once. Sirius’s legs gave out from under him and he crumbled to the floor. He was crying. For the first time in weeks, he was crying, and now there was no stopping it.

“I thought you weren’t coming back, Moony! And you didn’t even gave me a chance to say goodbye. I thought I would never get to tell you that I love anymore. I was so scared, Moony, I was so scared...”

Sirius felt two arms wrap around him from behind and he was pulled backwards against Remus’s chest. He heard Remus softly talking to him. “I came back, I’m here, I got you, I’m here, I’m not leaving...”

They stayed like that for a while. Remus sitting on his knees, his arms wrapped around Sirius, and Sirius clinging to him. Sirius used the steady rhythm of Remus’s breathing to ground himself. He spoke again when he regained some of his composure.

“I am on your side, you know.”

He felt Remus’s arms tighten around him.

“I never thought you were the traitor,” Sirius continued, and the moment he said it he knew it was true. He had tried to shut off his emotions and only use rational thinking. He had told himself that he couldn’t know for sure Remus was truly loyal to them, and that Remus’s behaviour was suspicious. But no matter how much he had tried to use only logical reasoning, deep in his heart he never truly believed Remus would ever betray them.

“Dumbledore and I were meeting with Prongs and Lils. They want to use the Fidelius charm to go into hiding, and we were discussing me being their Secret Keeper,” Sirius said, because he was just sick of it. Sick of pretence, sick of secrets, sick of feeling like half of him was missing.

“Dumbledore asked us not to tell anyone, no exceptions. Maybe I’m blinded by love and this will be my downfall, but Merlin, I’d rather face my downfall with you by my side than get through this war alone.”

“Moody wants a spy within Greyback’s werewolf community,” Remus replied. “We were trying to make connections, and infiltrate. Moody also told me to not tell anybody. Normally I wouldn’t even consider that to include you, but you were shutting me out. I guess I wanted to... get back at you? I was being petty and vindictive.”

“You were right to be.”

Sirius felt Remus shake his head.

“No. I should never have left without a word. It was cruel and selfish and I regretted it the moment I did it. Please know that I thought of you every day. Please know that I... Merlin, I’m sorry, Padfoot! I’m just so sorry. What I’ve put you through... I’m sorry.”

“No, Moony, it was my own stupidity,” Sirius replied. “Thinking I could just start keeping secrets from you and everything would be fine... I’m an idiot. I didn’t even try to talk to you, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for creating this mess. I’m sorry for ruining everything we built together.”

“Don’t say that.” Remus’s voice suddenly sounded firm. “I’m here, aren’t I? And we’re talking.”

Sirius felt a glimmer of hope that they were actually working towards something good here, that this could be a new beginning instead of an inevitable end, that this fight was long-overdue, but maybe not too late.

After a silence, Remus whispered against his hair. “You’re going to be in a lot of danger.”

Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand. “So are you.”

“Fucking war,” Remus mumbled.

Sirius pushed himself up and turned to face Remus. They were now both sitting on their knees on the kitchen floor, looking at each other, their hands clasped together between them.

“This war is going to take so much from us,” Sirius said. “I don’t want it to take this as well, to take what we have.”

“Me neither,” Remus said. “But we’re still here, we’re still together, still fighting for us. And I’m not going to give up that fight.”

Sirius looked at Remus with a resolute expression on his face. “If we want to give us a fighting chance, we need to be honest with each other, believe each other, and trust each other.”

Remus looked back at him with the same kind of intent. “I promise I will. No matter what.”

Sirius held Remus’s hand a little tighter. “No matter what.”

From that moment on, it seemed like they managed to restore their relationship. They could rely on each other again for support and advice. Remus could vent to Sirius about the anger, frustration and powerlessness he had felt when seeing Greyback again. Sirius could check with Remus some of the plans he and James came up with regarding the going into hiding, such as the idea that has been playing in his head of making Peter the Secret Keeper in an unpredictable move, while he himself will serve as a distraction. He was slightly taken aback when Remus pressed him not to, but as Remus explained, he understood his reasoning. Remus had been worried about Peter lately. Peter seemed to have lost all hope that they could win this war, and he was terrified of what the opposing forces might do to them once they’d fall into their hands. Remus thought his fear might make Peter an easy target for You Know Who and his Death Eaters, and you never know what kind of bad decisions a desperate person can make. Sirius listened to Remus and decided to put that idea out of his head. He felt bad he hadn’t noticed Peter was in such a bad state, and this was just one of many reasons why he needed Remus in his life.

But it wasn’t just talking about plans and tactics. There were also moments of intimacy, calmness, happiness. Mornings of being tangled up in each other and not leaving the bed, afternoons of Sirius lying with his head on Remus’s lap while Remus reads to him, evenings of sitting on the carpet and eating greasy take-out, nights of dancing in the living room. Moments on which they could pretend there was no war.

But back to Sirius freaking out. You see, Remus is doing it again. He’s going to places and Sirius doesn’t know where, he’s talking to people and Sirius doesn’t know who. Once again, there’s something he’s keeping from Sirius. Sirius hasn’t confronted Remus, as he had promised to trust him. But had Remus not promised to be honest with him? Well, he’s obviously not. Sirius tries to not overthink it. Remus probably has a good reason, and he just has to wait until Remus is ready to tell him. He does trust Remus, he really does, but what if Remus doesn’t trust him anymore? Or what if he has tried, but just can’t forgive Sirius for his stupidity after all, and now he’s pulling away?

This morning, when Sirius woke up, Remus was gone. He hadn’t told Sirius where he was going, or even that he was going somewhere. The only thing there was, was another one of those damned notes, only three words this time:

_Running some errands_

Sirius tries to put his mind to rest as he apparates in Godric’s Hollow and makes his way over to James and Lily’s. James has asked him to come by to help him go over some documents the Order confiscated. Sirius told Remus about this, but he wonders if his boyfriend even remembers. Maybe the task can be a good distraction, but Sirius highly doubts he’ll be able to focus on any documentation right now.

He’s recognized by the protective spells surrounding the house, speaks the required passwords and steps into the hall. Unsuspecting, he walks into the living room.

“Surprise!”

The outcry is followed by a huge cloud of confetti flying in Sirius’s face. Startled, Sirius jumps backwards, and, once the cloud has subsided, looks around the room in shock. The room is excessively decorated with a large variety of garlands and balloons. In front of him are the grinning faces of his fellow Order members and friends Dorcas Meadowes, Marlene McKinnon, Fabian and Gideon Prewett, Peter, James and Lily, and, of bloody course, Remus.

Sirius blinks. “What... What is this?”

“Oh, Merlin.” James steps forward and wraps him into a hug. “Moony wasn’t exaggerating when he said you had completely forgotten about your birthday.”

“My birthday?” Sirius asks dumbfounded. Is it November already? Yes, come to think of it, it is.

“And not just any birthday!” Lily exclaims. “Your twenty-first birthday! Who knows, maybe someday you’ll become an actual adult after all.”

“Let's not hope too hard, Lily,” Marlene grins.

Sirius looks around the circle of friends, still feeling rather overwhelmed. “Can I maybe talk to Moony for a second?”

“I’m sorry,” Remus says, as soon as their other friends are in the kitchen. “This was a bad idea, wasn’t it? I’m sorry, Padfoot, I just wanted to do something nice for your birthday and you always love parties so much... I could tell you noticed something was up and I could tell you were freaking out. I really am very sorry, I should’ve-”

Sirius wraps his arms tightly around Remus. “You wonderful, kind, amazing man. I love you so much, but don’t ever do that to me again!”

Remus hugs him back. “But you do like it?”

Sirius pulls back just enough so he can look at him. “I do, but please, no more secrets. And we need to work on your note-writing skills. Really, Moons, first a four-word note and now a three-word one?”

The evening really couldn’t be better. James and Lily have prepared an elaborate dinnerl and they sit around the kitchen table, just eating, drinking, talking and laughing. By the end, they serve a large, home-made cake, complete with candles. Sirius has to make a wish while blowing out the candles, because apparently there’s no age-limit to that tradition. Sirius looks around the table, to Marlene, who’s leaning with her head on Dorcas’s shoulder, contently sipping her Butterbeer, to Fabian and Gideon, who are sporting identical goofy grins, to Peter, who’s bouncing in his chair from excitement (and a few sips of brandy too much), to James, who’s looking back at him with such incredible fondness, while his arms are wrapped around Lily’s waist, and to Remus, who’s sitting next to him, holding his hand underneath the table and leaning his head on his other hand, tilted towards him with his lips curled into a soft smile. Sirius blows out the candles.

_Please, please let us make it through this._

“You really put way too much effort into this,” Sirius says, as Lily is dividing the cake.

“Well,” Lily replies. “You can make us all coffee then.”

It’s a well-established fact in their friend group that Sirius makes the best coffee, and therefore it’s usually his task, birthday or not.

Sirius grins. “Normally I shouldn’t be put to work on my birthday,” he says, while getting up from his chair. “But the idea of having to drink coffee made by any of you...”

Lily jokingly rolls her eyes at him. Sirius walks towards the kitchen counter, grabbing the container in which James and Lily keep their coffee. He opens it, and it’s like his heart stops and the whole world fades away for a moment. There’s no coffee in the container. Which is not the reason for his reaction. Sure, he likes coffee, but really not so much to have an almost-heart attack at the sight of a coffee container containing no coffee. No, in the container sits a small, black box.

Sirius picks it up and turns around. His friends have huddled behind the kitchen table, staring at him with huge, hopeful smiles, and James suddenly holding a bottle of champagne, but Sirius hardly registers any of that. The only thing he focusses on is Remus, sitting on one knee right in front of him. Sirius is crying before he has even processed what’s about to happen.

“I know you didn’t want any more secrets, but I promise you, this is the last one.” There’s a tremor in Remus’s voice, probably from keeping his emotions under control. “I don’t even know how to put in words what you mean to me. With you... I don’t just want to be a better person, I’ve actually become a better person. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t had you. I am braver, because I can be scared around you, I am more confident, because I can be insecure around you, I am happier, because I can be sad around you. You embrace every part of me and make me feel like I’m enough. You’re it for me, Sirius. I know you aren’t thrilled about my note-writing skills, from a four-word note to a three-word note, but I’m afraid there’s one more. Open it.”

With shaking hands, Sirius opens the black box. Inside, he sees a beautiful, elegant silver ring, and a small piece of parchment tucked in the lid. Sirius takes it out and unfolds it, seeing it is, indeed, a two-word note:

_Marry me?_

“Yes,” Sirius manages to say through his tears. “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.” He flings himself forward to tackle Remus to the ground in a hug. He vaguely registers the sound of cheers and a champagne bottle popping open. He stares at Remus. “I’m yours, Remus Lupin,” he whispers, before kissing him.

Later that night, when they’re home and in bed, Sirius lying on his back with Remus nestled against him, head resting on his chest, Sirius has his hand stretched out in front of him, and both of them are staring at the ring around his finger, gleaming in the dim moonlight.

“When Prongs and I were discussing the idea of me proposing,” Remus says. “I said that a war was no time to be thinking about a wedding. Prongs replied that a war was no time to wait with the things you truly want, as tomorrow the whole world may crumble.”

“If tomorrow the world crumbles,” Sirius replies. “Having this, this evening, this moment, just this, makes it all worth it.”

**Author's Note:**

> And Peter never betrayed anyone, nobody went to Azkaban, nobody died, and they lived happily ever after. The end.


End file.
